Showing posts with label dying as sign. Show all posts
Showing posts with label dying as sign. Show all posts

Friday, September 2, 2016

Why You Shouldn't Kill Yourself: an excerpt from the introduction

Friends, I'm revising a new book now.  It's titled Why You Shouldn't Kill Yourself: Five Tricks of the Heart About Assisted Suicide (to be published by Cascade Books, perhaps in 2017 yet?).  This is more Theology of the Body related than you think!  But obviously other theological matters are at play as well.  I'll excerpt different sections as I work on them and will be requesting beta readers in October...but would appreciate any comments or feedback now, if you have it.  This is the introduction for theologians and pastors.  (There is a second, shorter introduction for the general reader).  
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Introduction for theologians and pastors

Nothing would seem more common, more inflexible, more historically stable than the experience of death—our own deaths, or the death of a loved one.  And yet, how we perceive and approach death has changed dramatically (both medically and culturally) in the physician assisted past few decades.  The culmination of these changes is found in increasing public support for physician assisted suicide.  This book tries to present the challenge of physician assisted suicide as a misguided contemporary quest for “safe passage.” 

Phillippe Ariès (1914-1984), a historian of family and daily life, argues that in centuries past human beings died “a tame death.”  That is, dying was a known process that was expected and folded into the realities of everyday life. People died at home, of course, because there were few hospitals.  Medical care was largely palliative care, focused on keeping the person comfortable.  The person dying was usually in the center of known ways of family life until the very end…a bed brought into a living area, for example, and receiving visitors: family, friends, doctors, a priest.  Although dying could be physically and emotionally difficult, there was a reassuring sense of place in it.  Death, indeed, was part of life, along with birth, love, grief, joy, pleasure, and sadness.[1]

But with the rise of modern medicine, Aries says our perspective on the place of death has tilted. Now, we perceive death as inherently wild, and something that we need to domesticate through medical care. The “wild death” is marked by an uncertainty throughout the experience of dying: at the hospital or at home? Will this cure work, or not?  How long should I fight? This looks like the end--but wait, we have other options.  Time in an ICU, away from most family and friends, and surrounded by beeping monitors, is likely.  Aries argues that modern medicine’s quest to cure—in itself a good thing—does unfortunately result in a kind of “technological brinkmanship,” that results in people actively fighting the disease or injury up to hours before they actually die.  People dying never leave fight mode.

Because doctors and patients never leave fight mode, a lack of cure is a perceived, by some, as a failure…as if death is not our common end.

Great work has been accomplished in the nascent hospice movement—a movement that has called for people to have a relatively comfortable experience of dying, ideally at home, with pain issues addressed, and family or friends around.  But most people, at this point, do not know how to be around someone who is dying.  We don’t know how to die at home.  The only dying ritual we know is the one defined by fighting and control. Hospice is quite the counter culture to many, and those who find themselves facing the dying process may not see why anyone would not choose to fight for control.

The contemporary experience of dying, the “wild death,” has become, more and more, a human quest for safe pasage. But most people translate that understandable quest into a desire for absolute control. They see that the only way to not hurt, to avoid pain, is to maintain control.  And physician assisted suicide is the most intense formula for maintaining absolute control.

Not a moral treatment, but written to the spiritually lost

As you can surmise, my approach to this topic is not, in the first place, moral. I do think assisted suicide is gravely wrong, and certainly moral questions are addressed in this text.  (Although physician assisted suicide opens a whole host of moral side issues that I do not touch on much at all: conscience protections for doctors, nurses, and hospices, the voice of family members in decision making, the influence of money--or lack of it--in decision making, the rights of people living with disabilities, and so forth.  But these are being addressed in many venues.[2])  People know suicide is wrong. It takes a lot of mental effort to intentionally end one’s own life: healthy people act to preserve their lives. We actively try to prevent suicide in any other case. The reason increasing numbers of people find physician assisted suicide attractive is that people are spiritually lost.

I do not mean that in any accusatory manner. When you get down to it, we're all a little more lost that we think. But increasingly people have actively chosen not to have a spiritual home, and we know this through the increasing number of surveys that indicate a sharply rising increase in the “nones”—the segment of the population that does not identify with a religion.  Sometimes they self-identify as “spiritual, not religious.”  Sometimes they bear this bumper sticker on their cars: “all who wander are not lost.” I will be candid: many religions in the United States bear responsibility for this. I can understand why people could say they believe in God, but not fully trust religious institutions.  We’ve made trust harder than it should be. 

But…this move to “spiritual, not religious” is clearly not all about institutional trustworthiness.[3] I know quite a few of these people—you do, too—and often they say that their limited experience with a religious home was fine.  Just not essential, and couldn’t compete against the allure of the open road, the freedom of wandering and finding your own way.  We are a country of self-made men and women—or we like to think so—and that is increasingly including our own religion.

So what’s wrong with that?  Well, let’s begin with dying, and begin with a story.  One of the most poignant books I have ever read is a memoir called My Own Country by Abraham Verghese,[4] an Indian-American infectious diseases doctor working in the mountains of East Tennessee during the beginning of the AIDS epidemic.  The book is about how medical doctors came to learn to diagnose and treat that disease when all was mystery and fear--but even more so, the book is about home.  Verghese began noticing that all these initial AIDS patients—mostly homosexual--were from big cities (New York, San Francisco, Chicago).  They were dying, and they knew it.  When they were dying, he realized—all they wanted to do was to come home.  Not even certain that they would be accepted, seeking out a “foreigner doctor” for treatment, not even admitting publicly what they were dying from—they just wanted to come home.  That struck him, and me, as deeply poignant.  In the end, when we are weak, and in some pain, and maybe afraid—that is, dying--we all just want to go home.

The problem with “all who wander are not lost” is that when illness and mortality appear, they want to go home—but do not know how to do so.  When you have dedicated your life to exploring, you probably don’t know where home is.  So people increasingly are attracted to treating dying in the same way that they have treated living—with a focus on freedom, making choices, and being in control of the exploration.  With physician assisted suicide, they are “crafting an end.”  When you have no home, you build your own house, while you still can.  We are self-made women and men.  We take care of ourselves.  Right?

Of course, as Christians, we say there is a home: and that home is God the Father.  Jesus Christ is our guide and mediator, and the Holy Spirit our advocate.  But acknowledging that home, through our Church, requires hanging up the traveling shoes and spending time at “with the family.”  Ultimately, it means allowing God to take care of us rather than create our own end. 
This book is written to the traveler, to the spiritually disoriented. I want to tell them about their journey, and to tell them about home.  The only key to understanding the journey and the homeland is the human heart.

As Christians, we are well aware of the scripture “O that today you would listen to his voice! Do not harden your hearts” (Ps 95:7-8).  Learning you have limited time to live is undeniably God’s voice.  Hardening your hearts is being closed to God’s revelation in your life: not just about your end of this life, but about the good news of the life to come.  The good news that God is not finished with your life and loves you beyond all knowing, and has the power to turn this difficult time to good. 
This book is trying to speak to the human heart, encouraging it to be open to the good news that a natural death will be challenging, but it can also be beautiful.  There is no reason to be afraid, take absolute control, and try to “create an end.” A natural death is, ultimately, safe, and can lead you into God’s life and your destined home.

Physician assisted suicide and euthanasia are realities that must be addressed through the human heart.




[1] Phillippe Ariès’ work is referenced a great deal in Daniel Callahan’s popular book The Troubled Dream of Life: In Search of a Peaceful Death (New York: Simon and Schuster, 1993), 26-27.  Ariès’ most relevant work is translated in English as The Hour of our Death.
[2] An extremely useful compendium of concerns worldwide regarding assisted suicide and euthanasia can be found in David Albert Jones’ “Assisted Suicide and Euthanasia: A Guide to the Evidence,” Anscombe Bioethics Centre, Oxford University.  http://www.bioethics.org.uk/evidenceguide.pdf
[3] Michael Lipka, “Why America’s ‘Nones’ Left Religion Behind,” Fact Tank: News in the Numbers blog of The Pew Research Center, http://www.pewresearch.org/fact-tank/2016/08/24/why-americas-nones-left-religion-behind/
[4] Abraham Verghese, My Own Country: A Doctor’s Story (Vintage Books, 1995).

Tuesday, November 26, 2013

Article published: "The Sign of the Dying Body: How the Theology of the Body Helps Us To Die In Love"

Thank you to the good folks at Homiletic and Pastoral Review for choosing to publish this article I wrote.  A number of the pastoral themes in the chapter on dying in the main book are presented here. 

This may be the closest you get to a sneak peek of the book, so go take a look if you're interested!

Friday, November 15, 2013

An open letter to Anne Lamott

Dear Anne,

I hope you don't mind that I call you Anne.  It's your Christian name, and you may call me by mine: Susan. I'm writing this publicly in part because I have no idea how to get your address.  I guess your story has been so public I feel I can address you publicly as well.  But also because even though I am addressing you, in a sense, I am addressing many.

Anne, I have heard you say that even though you call yourself a foot washing revival tent born-again Christian, and have written numerous memoirs and essays about walking the Christian life, you don't feel especially accepted in those evangelical circles because of your background and politics.  Well, I'll be straight up: I'm Catholic and sometimes I feel the same way, mostly because I reject both political parties and am as close to a pacifist as a person can get.  I'm happy to be Catholic, devoutly Catholic, and by the way, a big Pope Francis fan-girl (I bet you are too): but I know the feeling getting labeled "outsider."  So I write this to you hoping we can eschew labels for a few minutes and recognize each other as one friend of Jesus Christ to another.

I have read your essay "At Death's Window" many times over the years, where you write out how you came to help in the assisted suicide of a long time friend and cancer sufferer named "Mel," at his request.  I can understand wanting to help a friend who is suffering.  I hope every Christian, indeed every human can understand that.  It is certainly the way of Jesus, who never turned away a person who cried for help.  But every time I read it, I stumble straight out of the shoot when you say:

He and his wife still loved each other very much, but he'd lost the ability to do the things he had most loved to share during their 30 years together: to cook and overeat, hike and travel. He had always been passionately literary, but he was losing the ability to read and write, which had defined his life. Both elegant and down-to-earth, with lifelong depression and a rich, crabby sense of humor, he was 60 when he was diagnosed with cancer. ...

Everyone recommended that he contact a hospice provider to help with pain management, but this was not his way. He said that if it was just his body deserting him, maybe. But his mind? His ideas? His self?
The essay goes on multiple times to say Mel would no longer soon be himself.  And that prospect pained you and perhaps terrified him.  So you offer to help him "end life on his own terms."

Here's what I wonder, with sadness.  What would have happened had Mel continued to live until his natural death?  OK, let's get it out there: let's assume given the nature of his disease he would have been mentally absent at the end, and yes, that would have been terribly hard, maybe the hardest reality of his life.  He would have needed the constant care of others for feeding, toileting, bathing, and medication for comfort.  24 hour care.  Yes.

But this man, who you say dealt with lifelong depression--and a symptom of that is an inability to feel loved--would have had love lavished on him in the most concrete ways.  I know you would have done this, Anne, and it sounds like his wife and other friends would have rallied as well.  Maybe, mental constructs frayed, he would have felt loved in a way he couldn't before.  If people responded by saying "I love you and will help you live and die as well as possible, because no matter what happens, you are so much more than your mind, your ideas, your 'self'?  Your goodness is not qualified by what you can do...."  What would have happened?  Another symptom of depression is constant questioning whether your life has meaning.  What would have happened if people said and did the hard thing: I will stand by you throughout this passage because you are you, you have meaning to me and to God, no matter what this disease does to your body?  Would something have clicked?  Would it have been a witness, a pointing to our dependance on the goodness of God?  The thing is, with assisted suicide, you'll never know.  And although I do not think you consciously meant it this way, what does it say to agree with a person that your life is what you can do, to the point of ending it when you're not as productive anymore?  There are all kinds of examples throughout history of people deciding for others that they no longer meet the mark of usefulness, and end their lives.

Now, this is where you say, Anne, "But he requested this.  This was his free choice."  And you're right, that's true.  We all have free choices.  (Hey, don't argue free will with a Catholic--we're all for it!)  But the choices have consequences.  I'm not going to say he knowingly committed an ultimate rejection of God in choosing to end his life before its time, because I cannot know whether he fully understood what he was doing there.   Who knows?--not me, certainly, only God.  But choosing to end his life through assisted suicide had consequences: who knows what possibilities (and yes, life still has rich possibilities even on your deathbed) were closed off through this act?  Who knows what love was unexpressed?  The death scene you describe sounds relatively idyllic, but I read it and thought--where are their adult children?  Or other friends who may have thought there were months to live, to connect?  To put it as directly as I dare: an experience of Jesus Christ changed both of our lives, Anne.  He gave us meaning and hope in some very, very dark times.  How do we know that Mel wouldn't have been given that grace as well?

At one point in the essay, you say you were sure that God would be with him and all of you no matter how this shook down.  I'm sure of that too, because God never abandons us.  God is kind of nutty in love with us that way: that's the cross for you.  But we need to choose to live our lives--and honor others' lives--in such a way that opens US to God's love for us, and trusts God can work in some flat out lousy and hard circumstances.  I'm recalling two other lines from different books you have written: one is "God loves us exactly where we are, and God loves us too much leave us in that place" (that's a paraphrase, sorry), and the culminating line of your conversion, after sensing Jesus' presence for days: "Alright, $%& it.  You can come in." (Yes, its a family friendly blog).  When someone close to me is suffering or dying, I would invite (in fact, beg) Jesus to "come in."  I would remind him that he has said he loves us too much to leave us in this awful place and act, do something, help us see where he is in this, help my dying friend have courage and peace. 

Why am I writing?  Honestly, Anne, I want you to see that dying is hard but it can also be a place where God is especially present, the veil lifted.  I do want you to see that ending another's life is wrong, not because I'm a rule freak and lacking in compassion, but because we need to trust Jesus and let him be in control.  Jesus Christ IS our compassion, and he will manifest it for us and through us if he let him come in, and take our sticky hands off the wheel (I think that is one of your lines too).  Assisting someone's suicide is seeking a control over life and death that belongs to God.  And for all of you who agree with Anne, who take the movie Million Dollar Baby as your moral guide, please: this is for you as well.  Just put your name in Anne's spot.

Finally, Anne, I'm not sure if Mel's final gift to you (the framed picture of Lincoln before he was shot, the deep sorrow and compassion in his eyes) haunts you.  It haunts me.  Please, think about it.  And you may hate me for writing this public letter, or not. I hope not.  But you can contact me if you wish (my email is pretty easy, it's on the sidebar), and I promise I would keep any communication confidential from here on out.

As a Catholic, we honor November as the month where we pray for the dead.  I will pray for Mel.  I will also pray for you.  Perhaps you can pray for me as well.  We are family.

Peace and all good,
Susan Windley-Daoust






Friday, February 15, 2013

On Pope Benedict XVI's abdication: a different understanding of dying as sign

From the book, the beginning of the chapter on the sign of dying:

Pope Benedict XVI, Feb 2013
As I mentioned earlier, my father-in-law died a very long and disabling death, suffering mini-strokes that affected his balance, strength, and memory.  After years of peaks and valleys, he moved into his last days at home, with the help of hospice and his family.  My husband broke away from our family travels to fly home and be with his parents and siblings for the last five days.  There was prayer, waiting, brief talking, observation, prayer, sacramental anointing, more prayer, more waiting, steps away to take a brief walk, and more prayer.  Finally, his father died, and hours later, I asked my husband how he was.  He smiled wanly and shook his head in wonder, saying “That was the most intense retreat I have been on in my entire life.” 

In a less intense manner for most of us, there was a kind of long, observed dying of Pope John Paul II as well.  John Paul was diagnosed with Parkinson’s disease years before his death in 2005.  Over the years, many commented on how he seemed to be dying in a very emphatically public fashion: traveling until near the end, meeting people, giving audiences, allowing the world to see him grow increasingly frail and shaky, a rather active Pope until close to the very end.  There were people who questioned that choice, commenting that he should step aside and allow a healthier man to serve in such a crucial leadership role.  But there seemed to be something very deliberate in this prayerful living out of his final days, a bodily ars moriendi for the world.  When he died in his apartment, many thousands were holding candles and praying in a multi-day vigil in Saint Peter’s Square—and I wouldn’t be surprised if many of them named it one of the more intense retreats of their lives.


As Pope Benedict surprised the world by resigning his Papal ministry (technically, abdication) due to the challenges of extreme old age, many have remembered that Pope John Paul II stayed in the Papal office until the very frail end, and some have lamented that we will not see that witness within Pope Benedict's papacy.  Personally, I respect the Pope's conscience on this decision, and think that as the human race ages into increasing length of life and mental frailty, this will become more common, if not the norm.  But Pope Benedict is teaching us, by example, a great deal about dying this week.  Renouncing a ministry he has served faithfully for years, for love of the Church, despite considerable old age, is a kind of dying.  Choosing to abdicate (no long goodbye, no last Easter, etc.) and retire to a cloistered setting to devote himself to study and prayer for the Church: that is a kind of dying.  Even making a decision--that is, to abdicate--that he knew would be hard on many of the faithful and almost scandalous to a few is also a kind of dying.  

In his few public statements since the announcement, he has underscored that the Church belongs to Christ and he has full trust that the Holy Spirit will guide us toward a fruitful path.  One of the questions animating this chapter on dying as sign is from A. Reimers: "How is the dying body given in love?"  Although it is clear that Pope Benedict XVI has no disease that is in itself mortal, it is also clear: he is dying.  In the largest sense we all are, but he is closer to it than most and is keenly aware of that.  The events of the past few days offer us a touching example of trust and humility and show us, in a different manner than John Paul II's death, how we live and die by giving ourselves to God.

Friday, November 16, 2012

How is the dying body given in love? Dying as sign


Melciorre Caffa, St. Rose of Lima dying

From the book:
How is the dying body given in love? Many of the themes of the Theology of the Body we have worked with are relevant here: attending to the present moment, disponibilité, self-abjection, hospitality, love and tenderness are all part of seeing rightly the given sign of dying, of receiving our true identity from God.  This section will employ a “spiritual seeing,” or better yet, a contemplative attitude throughout.  Perhaps more than any other time in a person’s life, the spiritual aspect is visible (or perhaps we attend death so much more closely we are able to perceive the spiritual).  The “ecstatic” reality of dying, of giving one’s life to God in love, is abundantly witnessed when we know how to perceive God’s presence.

It is important to note that a reading of the spiritual sign of dying—a Theology of the Body ars moriendi if you will--is not prescriptive.  Although I do think there are patterns and common themes within the dying process, every spiritual director knows that the Holy Spirit leads the person in a manner most befitting that person’s particular relationship with God.  If you are dying, you need not be troubled by a mocking scrupulosity that some “stage” has happened or not happened.[1]   For one accompanying the dying, it may be impossible to “plan out” where the person is at: attention to the Holy Spirit in your conversation (or quiet sitting together) is key.  But as Iain Matthew says on John of the Cross: “He gives us the schemas, not to help us predict, but to encourage us to surrender”[2], as evidence that God is indeed working, there are signs to read in the dying process, and the process itself is not meaningless.  The ars moriendi witnesses the movement of healing in God through dying, and while there are moves to encourage and provide space for, we always must remember that healing cannot be plotted.  Healing is its own mystery, coming from the heart of God.  And it always feels, in some real sense, like a surprise, an explosion of grace into time.  It is sensed as the mercy that it is.



[1] This is one of the prominent criticisms of Kȕbler-Ross’s stages, that people may be expected to follow a standardized emotional schema and rushed to move through that, contrary to God’s desire for that person. Any person helping anyone to die should remember that at some level, the person dying knows more about dying than you do.  Guenther, Still Listening, citation pg.
[2] Matthew, 88.